In this case, the truth didn’t set me free

It’s past midnight now. . . .but I’m stuck awake with thoughts racing through my head not being kind enough to allow me to sleep. 

Majority of the time, my anger actually is a cover up for the fact that my feelings are so seriously hurt that I can barely cope.  Sometimes I feel so betrayed and alone that all I want to do is cry.  

I toyed with messaging a few people tonight on Facebook and just asking “why?”  why suddenly am I no longer of any importance to you? Why is my worth and my life no longer important to you? Why?  . . . . but I chickened out because I don’t want someone to get more pissed at me or push me away further than what I thought was already the farthest possible. 

I already know the answer to those questions though, because it’s the common factor in each relationship that I’ve lost.  It’s been my decision to find my own religious path and be comfortable and confident in what I believe. 

It really hurts me that people I trusted and still love with all of my heart. .. that I would honestly do anything for. . .have total disregard or  zero respect for me anymore.  It hurts to see them continue to be involved and care for other people, but not me.  Not me because I’m different.  

I’ve gotten used to not being like everyone else. I cry a bit more, I’m more sensitive, I am needy, I am loyal when I no longer should be. I have high expectations, I love even though I get hurt because I don’t get it back.  I’m me.  I’m sick of being defined by a religious title. I’m sick of never being good enough. I wasn’t good enough as a mormon. . . and I’m still not good enough not being one. 

I am the EXACT same person I was before. I might have a second set of holes in my ears and I might say damn when I stub my toe now. But I still am the person I was before.  I’m still dramatic, I’m still overly obnoxious . . . I’m still me. 

My jealousy is ridiculous whenever I see anyone that no longer has anything to do with me, getting excited and commenting/liking whatever it is someone else is doing that I seriously just did. Milestones in my life aren’t as exciting. – perfect example.  Me getting married.  Me getting married wasn’t as exciting or cool or acceptable cause, well Colby wasn’t a mormon, we didn’t get married in the LDS temple and I wore a strapless dress.  *gasp* OK so the happiness and excitement to join your life with someone and take a huge commitment is less cool, impressive or adorable because of those things?  I don’t understand. 

I hate needing approval and love from people that clearly are incapable of loving someone who is different or chose a different path. 

I love Christ, I seriously cannot stand Christians.   Because they are hypocrites.  Love everybody expect the people I don’t like, duh!   Everyone acts like I’ve done something terrible and I’m such a sinner. . . . when they have no right to cast a stone at me cause their slate isn’t clean! 

 

I just want my relationships back. It’s not fair that being honest ends up leaving you with the short end of the stick. . . along with a lot of sleepless nights beating yourself up because, like normal, I can’t ever be good enough. 

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Sometimes you just need to cry, probably should start building an Ark.

Guess what everybody. Grass is never really green anywhere. It’s just a lie everyone tells you.  It’s not actually green unless it’s fake. . .  ok?  Glad I could clear that up.  I never EVER ever ever ever said that moving [doesn’t even matter where, I could have moved to Florida instead of Canada and my stance stays the same] was going to make everything disappear and make me poop happy rainbows and throw flowers in the sky and run around with fluffy critters constantly singing annoyingly about how “this is love” or “whistle while you work” or any other annoyingly happy disney song.   Pretty much what happened in this move, I handed in all the crappy problems I had in Roanoke and was dished out a double serving of issues in Canada.  Funny, eh? Ironic, eh? Interesting, eh? 

Sometimes it’s good to just cry.  Sometimes I just need to lay flat on my back in my bed with the lights off and just bawl like it’s the end of the world or cry like they have permanently discontinued Dr. Pepper.  Sometimes it makes me feel a lot better. . .well usually.  Today I once again got hit by the sad truck that loves to hit you at top speed.  It started this morning, with a chocolate poptart. Yes Ladies and Gentleman, a Poptart. Naturally the chocolate poptart made me think of my childhood and then it took me back to Roanoke which made me think of my family which made me break down finally at 10pm after holding it in all day and curbing any emotion that I felt was about to explode out of me. 

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Look how young my parents were!
P.S I freakin’ LOVED that dress!. 

Today, or tonight rather, it became more prominent that I was homesick today when I randomly remembered mowing the grass with my Dad in mid-May. We went to Steak ‘n’ Shake after and I looked really ratchet and was covered in grass and probably smelled awful.   But it made me miss my Dad. It made me miss a few years ago when I would hear him come home from work and he’d be talking on the phone way too loud at around midnight when I was trying to sleep [This was way back when I went to bed at a decent hour].  It made me miss “Monster feet” and playing our own version of tag outside in the dark with my siblings when I was really young.  It made me miss tuna quickie and believing that outside of breakfast for dinner that was the only thing my Dad could cook.  I really miss my family tonight.  I really miss my parents. 

Whenever I get sad I feel like I need something else to make things feel more like home. But I never know what it is, so it pretty much is like running into a brick wall over and over again and wondering why I can’t get through.  I really would like to have friends.  I think one of the hardest things about transitioning to a new place, is realizing that for everyone back home that I am replaceable.  My “Best Friends” have made “new” best friends and I’m just hanging out in Canada talking to my cat.  I watch fish all day and hold mini funerals when they die [Random thought, our “Male” guppy apparently has female parts cause surprise we have like 12 baby fish now]  Anyway, issue is that I totally don’t know how to make friends I was never in a social situation that I wasn’t put in a place to just talk to people and converse, that’s number one, and number two, I’m scared as well, because I keep getting screwed over and always being the better, more loyal friend and I honestly am sick of that crap, it’s exhausting man. 

So I’m sitting here. at 1am. . . . Luna is sprawled out at my feet hogging my bed and slightly snoring. . . .and I’m just suffering from some sort of insomnia tonight because no matter what I do my mind won’t shut up and relax and save being a weepy uncomfortable mess until tomorrow when I have more energy to do so.  I want to cuddle with Colby. But alas, I can’t. He’s passed out asleep by now I’m sure anyway. . .   I want Papa John’s pizza smothered in that garlic sauce and a massive brownie. I want to eat my feelings right now cause currently I’m starving but am choosing not to eat until tomorrow cause I have special K waiting for me.  Ugh, such is the life of someone who can’t eat like a pig without it directly impacting their arse. 

I think I’m going to lay down again and try and knock myself out.  I have a Birthday Cake to make tomorrow for Kyle [Colby’s cousin, which is my favorite cousin of his] and I also have my “other boyfriend” little 2 year old Liam as well for a few hours tomorrow afternoon.   So thanks for pit stopping and taking a look inside my head when I’m really tired and missing my humidity stricken room and old beaten up car.  ‘Murica. 

I’m off to bed. Here’s to hoping that tomorrow brings loads of smiles and happy thoughts and feelings.  I sure need it. 

xoxo 

Madylon 

P.S Mom, Dad. I really love you.