It’s past midnight now. . . .but I’m stuck awake with thoughts racing through my head not being kind enough to allow me to sleep.
Majority of the time, my anger actually is a cover up for the fact that my feelings are so seriously hurt that I can barely cope. Sometimes I feel so betrayed and alone that all I want to do is cry.
I toyed with messaging a few people tonight on Facebook and just asking “why?” why suddenly am I no longer of any importance to you? Why is my worth and my life no longer important to you? Why? . . . . but I chickened out because I don’t want someone to get more pissed at me or push me away further than what I thought was already the farthest possible.
I already know the answer to those questions though, because it’s the common factor in each relationship that I’ve lost. It’s been my decision to find my own religious path and be comfortable and confident in what I believe.
It really hurts me that people I trusted and still love with all of my heart. .. that I would honestly do anything for. . .have total disregard or zero respect for me anymore. It hurts to see them continue to be involved and care for other people, but not me. Not me because I’m different.
I’ve gotten used to not being like everyone else. I cry a bit more, I’m more sensitive, I am needy, I am loyal when I no longer should be. I have high expectations, I love even though I get hurt because I don’t get it back. I’m me. I’m sick of being defined by a religious title. I’m sick of never being good enough. I wasn’t good enough as a mormon. . . and I’m still not good enough not being one.
I am the EXACT same person I was before. I might have a second set of holes in my ears and I might say damn when I stub my toe now. But I still am the person I was before. I’m still dramatic, I’m still overly obnoxious . . . I’m still me.
My jealousy is ridiculous whenever I see anyone that no longer has anything to do with me, getting excited and commenting/liking whatever it is someone else is doing that I seriously just did. Milestones in my life aren’t as exciting. – perfect example. Me getting married. Me getting married wasn’t as exciting or cool or acceptable cause, well Colby wasn’t a mormon, we didn’t get married in the LDS temple and I wore a strapless dress. *gasp* OK so the happiness and excitement to join your life with someone and take a huge commitment is less cool, impressive or adorable because of those things? I don’t understand.
I hate needing approval and love from people that clearly are incapable of loving someone who is different or chose a different path.
I love Christ, I seriously cannot stand Christians. Because they are hypocrites. Love everybody expect the people I don’t like, duh! Everyone acts like I’ve done something terrible and I’m such a sinner. . . . when they have no right to cast a stone at me cause their slate isn’t clean!
I just want my relationships back. It’s not fair that being honest ends up leaving you with the short end of the stick. . . along with a lot of sleepless nights beating yourself up because, like normal, I can’t ever be good enough.