But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.

So I sit here. Very unsure of how to put my thoughts into words on my blog. So forgive me if nothing makes any sense, hopefully it will make enough sense to me that I will be able to pin the thought here and leave it out of my every day life. . . and eventually use this as a reference for the future whenever I’m feeling like this again.

I’m an overly sensitive person – I have high expectations that usually lead to disappointment. I put 110% into my relationships and usually am not the one to walk away from a friendship.

I’ve had several hangups over the past year on losing friendships with people over my faith crumbling. I was 17 years old, not getting answers and feeling completely hopeless. Take a minute to just think about how that might have felt. . . to have no one understand and feel like you were a lemon. Something was wrong with you because everyone else around you was confident and happy and making very confident statements about their faith and beliefs. I had none, all I knew is that I didn’t think there was a God because I hadn’t felt it in my life, no one had any answers and I couldn’t find them within myself. . .

Doctrine & Covenants 9:8-9

8. But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must cask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.

9. But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; therefore, you cannot write that which is sacred save it be given you from me.

As a 17 year old, who thought she knew it all, reading this was obvious. Stupor of thought, ok well my answer was it was wrong. . . but wait, that’s not the answer everyone was telling me I should get. . . crap now what do I do? Do I fake it? Do I lie? Someone help!

I made a rash decision as a 17 year old that no one liked. It ruined relationships with people I was close to. I can take responsibility for my part in being offensive and hurting peoples feelings, but as anyone that was supposed to be my friend and “apparently” had a stronger “testimony” or ground of faith, you shouldn’t have cut me out and let me drown.

I’ve had a year to experience the new parts of life, fall madly in love and get married to someone that I can’t imagine a day without. I’ve had experiences that have made me go back to being 17 and my thought process and the feelings I had. I’ve had conversations with people who love me and who didn’t give up on me even though I was being a total selfish, close minded brat.
So I’m back to a happy place now, I’ve had a huge change in my beliefs, AGAIN and I’m a lot happier than I have been internally than I have been in quite some time.

If you didn’t stick around through the storm, support me and love me through it, then now that I’m in a better place. . . now that I’m happy. . . I don’t want you in my life again. Don’t think that after abandoning me, leaving me to grab for anything I could to help me, that you get to come back and be friends again after you left in such a hateful and bitter way. I’ve had people stick with me through this entire experience, they’ve seen me cry, they’ve comforted me as I talked about my fears, wanting God but not being sure he was there, they’ve encouraged and loved me through it.
In the wonderful words of the beautiful Marilyn Monroe –

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

I am in such a happy place right now. I’m loving myself and noticing more and more every day that God is someone that I want to have a relationship with. Something that was once impossible for me to understand seems crystal clear to me now. Is my faith perfect? No, there are still days that sometimes I wonder if he really is there and if he really does know me individually and personally.

To everyone that was patient with me, loved me, encouraged me, answered to the best they could my questions. . . thank you. With all of my heart thank you. . . I wouldn’t be where I am today without you. It means so much to me, the few that stood by me when everyone else seemed to take the easy way out and leave me. Thank you for not being those people.

I’m just having a happy day – friend requests and comments from people that didn’t want to handle me at my worst are that of the past. Here’s to looking towards the future and continuing to receive the love and support I deserve from people who want to see me succeed and be happy.

In this case, the truth didn’t set me free

It’s past midnight now. . . .but I’m stuck awake with thoughts racing through my head not being kind enough to allow me to sleep. 

Majority of the time, my anger actually is a cover up for the fact that my feelings are so seriously hurt that I can barely cope.  Sometimes I feel so betrayed and alone that all I want to do is cry.  

I toyed with messaging a few people tonight on Facebook and just asking “why?”  why suddenly am I no longer of any importance to you? Why is my worth and my life no longer important to you? Why?  . . . . but I chickened out because I don’t want someone to get more pissed at me or push me away further than what I thought was already the farthest possible. 

I already know the answer to those questions though, because it’s the common factor in each relationship that I’ve lost.  It’s been my decision to find my own religious path and be comfortable and confident in what I believe. 

It really hurts me that people I trusted and still love with all of my heart. .. that I would honestly do anything for. . .have total disregard or  zero respect for me anymore.  It hurts to see them continue to be involved and care for other people, but not me.  Not me because I’m different.  

I’ve gotten used to not being like everyone else. I cry a bit more, I’m more sensitive, I am needy, I am loyal when I no longer should be. I have high expectations, I love even though I get hurt because I don’t get it back.  I’m me.  I’m sick of being defined by a religious title. I’m sick of never being good enough. I wasn’t good enough as a mormon. . . and I’m still not good enough not being one. 

I am the EXACT same person I was before. I might have a second set of holes in my ears and I might say damn when I stub my toe now. But I still am the person I was before.  I’m still dramatic, I’m still overly obnoxious . . . I’m still me. 

My jealousy is ridiculous whenever I see anyone that no longer has anything to do with me, getting excited and commenting/liking whatever it is someone else is doing that I seriously just did. Milestones in my life aren’t as exciting. – perfect example.  Me getting married.  Me getting married wasn’t as exciting or cool or acceptable cause, well Colby wasn’t a mormon, we didn’t get married in the LDS temple and I wore a strapless dress.  *gasp* OK so the happiness and excitement to join your life with someone and take a huge commitment is less cool, impressive or adorable because of those things?  I don’t understand. 

I hate needing approval and love from people that clearly are incapable of loving someone who is different or chose a different path. 

I love Christ, I seriously cannot stand Christians.   Because they are hypocrites.  Love everybody expect the people I don’t like, duh!   Everyone acts like I’ve done something terrible and I’m such a sinner. . . . when they have no right to cast a stone at me cause their slate isn’t clean! 

 

I just want my relationships back. It’s not fair that being honest ends up leaving you with the short end of the stick. . . along with a lot of sleepless nights beating yourself up because, like normal, I can’t ever be good enough.