So I sit here. Very unsure of how to put my thoughts into words on my blog. So forgive me if nothing makes any sense, hopefully it will make enough sense to me that I will be able to pin the thought here and leave it out of my every day life. . . and eventually use this as a reference for the future whenever I’m feeling like this again.
I’m an overly sensitive person – I have high expectations that usually lead to disappointment. I put 110% into my relationships and usually am not the one to walk away from a friendship.
I’ve had several hangups over the past year on losing friendships with people over my faith crumbling. I was 17 years old, not getting answers and feeling completely hopeless. Take a minute to just think about how that might have felt. . . to have no one understand and feel like you were a lemon. Something was wrong with you because everyone else around you was confident and happy and making very confident statements about their faith and beliefs. I had none, all I knew is that I didn’t think there was a God because I hadn’t felt it in my life, no one had any answers and I couldn’t find them within myself. . .
Doctrine & Covenants 9:8-9
8. But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must cask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.
9. But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; therefore, you cannot write that which is sacred save it be given you from me.
As a 17 year old, who thought she knew it all, reading this was obvious. Stupor of thought, ok well my answer was it was wrong. . . but wait, that’s not the answer everyone was telling me I should get. . . crap now what do I do? Do I fake it? Do I lie? Someone help!
I made a rash decision as a 17 year old that no one liked. It ruined relationships with people I was close to. I can take responsibility for my part in being offensive and hurting peoples feelings, but as anyone that was supposed to be my friend and “apparently” had a stronger “testimony” or ground of faith, you shouldn’t have cut me out and let me drown.
I’ve had a year to experience the new parts of life, fall madly in love and get married to someone that I can’t imagine a day without. I’ve had experiences that have made me go back to being 17 and my thought process and the feelings I had. I’ve had conversations with people who love me and who didn’t give up on me even though I was being a total selfish, close minded brat.
So I’m back to a happy place now, I’ve had a huge change in my beliefs, AGAIN and I’m a lot happier than I have been internally than I have been in quite some time.
If you didn’t stick around through the storm, support me and love me through it, then now that I’m in a better place. . . now that I’m happy. . . I don’t want you in my life again. Don’t think that after abandoning me, leaving me to grab for anything I could to help me, that you get to come back and be friends again after you left in such a hateful and bitter way. I’ve had people stick with me through this entire experience, they’ve seen me cry, they’ve comforted me as I talked about my fears, wanting God but not being sure he was there, they’ve encouraged and loved me through it.
In the wonderful words of the beautiful Marilyn Monroe –
“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
I am in such a happy place right now. I’m loving myself and noticing more and more every day that God is someone that I want to have a relationship with. Something that was once impossible for me to understand seems crystal clear to me now. Is my faith perfect? No, there are still days that sometimes I wonder if he really is there and if he really does know me individually and personally.
To everyone that was patient with me, loved me, encouraged me, answered to the best they could my questions. . . thank you. With all of my heart thank you. . . I wouldn’t be where I am today without you. It means so much to me, the few that stood by me when everyone else seemed to take the easy way out and leave me. Thank you for not being those people.
I’m just having a happy day – friend requests and comments from people that didn’t want to handle me at my worst are that of the past. Here’s to looking towards the future and continuing to receive the love and support I deserve from people who want to see me succeed and be happy.