48 hours. . . .?

The days have literally ticked by so slowly this past week… the reality is slowly setting in, but I don’t think it has in it’s entirety. I’ve been so blessed with the help of Colby’s family to make our civil ceremony beautiful and emotionally from my family and close friends back home.

In two days, I get to marry my best friend. I think when we set October 14th as our date, we thought it was far off. We had 3 months when we decided that’s the day we would get married, and it seemed really far away then, and it’s come really quickly, besides this past week of course, that seriously couldn’t have gone any slower.

I always knew I had the potential to be a raging bridezilla, up until yesterday though it hadn’t emerged. I figure that might be because this wedding is so tiny (20 people. . woo!) that it wouldn’t happen. It happened yesterday, and it was quite the tantrum.
My wedding seamstress was so unprofessional and slack that I was 2 shy steps for needing someone to restrain me from beating the crap out of her. Thankfully she doesn’t actually suck at her job and my dress turned out really nice (I’ll post pictures after Monday. . .since Colby isn’t allowed to see) I’m very pleased with it. I didn’t expect to like another dress so much, since my actual “Wedding Dress” that my Mother cried over and I had my “Say yes to the dress moment” is back in Virginia where our bigger and a lot more personal wedding ceremony and reception will be held (I know I’ll be going total bridezilla on that one. . . oops!)

The significance of the 14th goes back to my relationship with my Great Grandparents, Ma and Papa. Papa was one of my dearest and closest friends. . .he was my runaway buddy. I always fled to their house when I was having a rough time and Papa always listened and knew when to make fun of me and when to be serious. They wed on the 14th of October, and so I want to, too.
One of the hardest things about preparing for this wedding, and for even being excited really. . . is that my family isn’t here. The other night it hit me like a brick that I was getting married and none of my family is here to see it. Even though our “big wedding” with our own written vows and my gorgeous dress my parents purchased is around the corner as well. . . and even though this wedding is so tiny. . . this is me getting married without my Mom and Dad, without my siblings, without all of my family and without my best friends, and that’s been a tough pill to swallow these past few days.

I didn’t imagine as a little girl I would be getting married and my family wouldn’t be there. But this is how things have worked out and honestly have to be, sacrifices aren’t easy, but in the end this will all be worth it.

I can’t imagine my life without Colby in it. I can’t think of something more meant to be than my relationship with him. I can’t think of someone more perfect for me, in every single way. I knew him before this life.. . my spirit knew his before we ever walked in physical bodies on earth and I’m thankful for that. He is my other half, he completes me, and thankfully he understands me so easily. Every struggle that has been thrown at us to get to this point in our relationship and our lives together has only made our bond and our love for each other stronger and so even though at the time I cursed those issues, was mad, cried, hated God for it, it’s been a trial that has brought us to where we are now. We’re getting married, because we’re ready for it, despite what anyone else wants to think.

So we get married Monday. My dress and his outfit are set, our Marriage Commissioner is booked, our marriage license ready, tissues everywhere. We’re doing it, and I’m so excited and happy and ready.


I’m sitting on my bed studying the walls

I’m sitting on my bed studying the walls in my room.  Noticing holes from nails. tape from old posters still stuck on the walls. . . . I want to remember every detail. Remember the smell of this room and the wave of heat that you get when you walk in because my door is always closed. 

I don’t think reality has actually hit yet since I am still kind of in shock that this is really happening.  This is 1 of the last few nights throughout the next 10 days that I will be sleeping in “my room”  

As a kid I remember thinking that I was going to build a house next to my parents and live in it. So I didn’t have to move away. I remember one of the old cars that as parked in front of my Dad’s workshop, and telling my dad that I was going to fix that car and drive it until I could buy a brand new car.  I had quite a few unrealistic fantasies growing up.  I thought as a 9 year old girl that I was going to marry a blonde haired boy that was in the church I went to.  I was going to have my childhood pony Sunny live with us next to my parents house.  Funny how dreams and reality changes. 

I’m not a fan of life.  I don’t like thinking about getting even older than I am. My parents no longer being alive, along with my grandparents. My siblings all being married and aging too, having kids. . .  Adult life and adult worries are no where near as peaceful and serine as my 9 year old thoughts of Mommy and Daddy never going away, always having my siblings to play outside with. . . but life has sped up and it sucks having no control.  As much as I want these life experiences I don’t. I want to just rewind and appreciate how nice it was not having to worry or do anything.  My things were paid for 100% by Mom an Dad, I didn’t need a job, I had chores at home that I hated doing. . . 

I wish I could scream to every kid in the world to stop wishing to grow up.  I know several people said it to me. . .but I didn’t listen and kids I say it to won’t either.  Because being an adult is “fun” and “liberating” . .. . yeah liberating and expensive!

Colby will be here tomorrow.  TOMORROW! This agonizing journey is almost over and I couldn’t be happier for that. I’ve already told him we are going to do everything in our power to never ever let 6 months happen again. If I had my way I wouldn’t even do a day at this point. But ask me that in 10 or 15 years and I might welcome a vacation away ;) 

I hate bittersweet things.  I’ve said it a million times but I just need to get it out of my mind so it stops upsetting me. But I’m scared and upset to leave. Take my anxiety and doubts about Utah and multiply them by about 10 and you have my emotions for Canada.  The only difference is that I’m gaining an extremely positive thing by moving, because I’ll be with Colby. . . and I’m not leaving all of my “super best friends” behind because well. . .I only have two and one is in college and the other is in New York so I’ve already been dealing with distance with them. 

Anyway. I have to pack my bag for tomorrow because I get to pick up my boy tomorrow from the D.C Airport! I’m SO SO SO excited!