Silver Bells, Renovations, Christmas trees, Hooplah

It a bit overdue for a whole new post on my blog.

My life has been hectic – but lazy at the same time.  How is this even possible!?

Thanksgiving was a whirlwind of a day. I woke up early in the morning to start cooking and was really excited to share “American Thanksgiving” with my Canadian family.   I surprisingly cooked everything almost perfectly (having done most of it for the first time by myself) and I was content with how things turned out. We had some friends over and enjoyed company and had some good laughs.  It was a fun time –  as much fun as it was though, it was very hard being away from my family during one of my favorite holiday’s.  Skyping them them afternoon was bittersweet as in the background I heard laughing and joy, while I stood by myself in the kitchen my feet freezing cold on the tile.  At that moment I wanted to be home so bad . . .if only telaporting were real.

Since Christmas is right around the corner (This is my absolute favorite time of year, decorations and lights and happy people and music – ah. . . it just makes my heart smile)  Colby and I have kicked into finding deals on presents and trying to make our first Christmas together perfect.  Bummer though that I found out everything I had picked on Amazon for Colby couldn’t be shipped into Canada and I threw a mini fit. . . that’s one thing that sucks here!

That basement suite in my Father-in-laws house is another step closer to being finished! The drywall was delivered and we got almost all of it up already (We’ll be finishing tonight)  It’s so exciting to see the basement look more like a home. I’m so anxious to be able to paint, decorate and furnish the little space.   Colby and I have been looking at furniture, appliances and paint and it’s really exciting to finally have our own private space. 

There was a HUGE roller coaster with the Citizenship and Immigration Canada website – my online signature WAS NOT working and it was driving me nuts. So we went and had to print off everything to send it via snail mail. . . this is after me spending the better part of a day trying to call and get more information from a real person on the phone, but since the typhoon in the Philippines that wasn’t happening.  So after trying ONE LAST TIME to esign – it finally worked and I was thrilled. It’s been paid for and I am now awaiting to hear back from the Canadian government that my implied status is over and I have been granted an extension of my visitor residency.  We’re just about finished with my application for permanent residency and that’ll be out the door soon as well – which will be another HUGE stress ball off my shoulders.

So amidst all this, there is a lot of documentary days where I sit and learn useless facts. Cleaning days when I just am going cleaning crazy,   sad days when I am so lonely I want to cry. Happy days when nothing can get me down.  

But they are mostly good days, because I am blessed to spend every day with my best friend. Someone who understands me, has never ending compassion and love.  Someone who I couldn’t live without. I love my husband! 

Anyway –  I’m going to go make dinner and hopefully get the rest of the drywall up! 

Cheerio 

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In this case, the truth didn’t set me free

It’s past midnight now. . . .but I’m stuck awake with thoughts racing through my head not being kind enough to allow me to sleep. 

Majority of the time, my anger actually is a cover up for the fact that my feelings are so seriously hurt that I can barely cope.  Sometimes I feel so betrayed and alone that all I want to do is cry.  

I toyed with messaging a few people tonight on Facebook and just asking “why?”  why suddenly am I no longer of any importance to you? Why is my worth and my life no longer important to you? Why?  . . . . but I chickened out because I don’t want someone to get more pissed at me or push me away further than what I thought was already the farthest possible. 

I already know the answer to those questions though, because it’s the common factor in each relationship that I’ve lost.  It’s been my decision to find my own religious path and be comfortable and confident in what I believe. 

It really hurts me that people I trusted and still love with all of my heart. .. that I would honestly do anything for. . .have total disregard or  zero respect for me anymore.  It hurts to see them continue to be involved and care for other people, but not me.  Not me because I’m different.  

I’ve gotten used to not being like everyone else. I cry a bit more, I’m more sensitive, I am needy, I am loyal when I no longer should be. I have high expectations, I love even though I get hurt because I don’t get it back.  I’m me.  I’m sick of being defined by a religious title. I’m sick of never being good enough. I wasn’t good enough as a mormon. . . and I’m still not good enough not being one. 

I am the EXACT same person I was before. I might have a second set of holes in my ears and I might say damn when I stub my toe now. But I still am the person I was before.  I’m still dramatic, I’m still overly obnoxious . . . I’m still me. 

My jealousy is ridiculous whenever I see anyone that no longer has anything to do with me, getting excited and commenting/liking whatever it is someone else is doing that I seriously just did. Milestones in my life aren’t as exciting. – perfect example.  Me getting married.  Me getting married wasn’t as exciting or cool or acceptable cause, well Colby wasn’t a mormon, we didn’t get married in the LDS temple and I wore a strapless dress.  *gasp* OK so the happiness and excitement to join your life with someone and take a huge commitment is less cool, impressive or adorable because of those things?  I don’t understand. 

I hate needing approval and love from people that clearly are incapable of loving someone who is different or chose a different path. 

I love Christ, I seriously cannot stand Christians.   Because they are hypocrites.  Love everybody expect the people I don’t like, duh!   Everyone acts like I’ve done something terrible and I’m such a sinner. . . . when they have no right to cast a stone at me cause their slate isn’t clean! 

 

I just want my relationships back. It’s not fair that being honest ends up leaving you with the short end of the stick. . . along with a lot of sleepless nights beating yourself up because, like normal, I can’t ever be good enough.