Mini Feminist Rant

I absolutely cannot stand it when people try and pass the blame onto another person when it is CLEARLY their fault.

I have been disgusted recently with the blogposts and comments I’ve seen about women being responsible for keeping men from sinning or having impure thoughts, slut shaming girls for what they wear. It’s obnoxious and I guess now I’ve just been irritated at it enough to actually vent about it on my blog.

Why do I dress the way I do? well just so you know (in case you were going to try and answer that with some asinine response of “I’m trying to make all of the boys want me”)   I don’t dress for anyone other than myself (Except on rare occasion when Colby requests a certain article of clothing) I have made my wardrobe something that I enjoy and am comfortable wearing, wether it be because I think it is cute, because it’s blazing hot outside or due to Canadian weather, I’m wearing 5 layers of clothing ,  it actually doesn’t even cross my mind what people think about me because everyone was born naked and  it’s clothing, it’s just a body, everyone has one. Woop de doo.  I don’t dress like a streetwalker, yet some people stick tack me as a slut because I don’t wear sleeves.  Wow you sure caught me. I am SUCH a skank for putting my comfort over your ability to practice agency and tune stuff out.  Round of applause.

In the summertime, I have not once wore my shorts or a tank top to catch any boys eye or to flaunt any part of my body to the general public.  I wore it, because it was freaking hot outside and I wanted to be comfortable.  It’s my responsibility to dress myself in the morning, and it’s everyone else’s responsibility to treat me like a human being.  In the wintertime, I wear my boots and my BRIGHT pink pea coat, because I need to stay warm, not because I want to look like a rich broad.  Why is everyone so obsessed with one another and what they are wearing?  If it bothers you that much, stop freaking looking at it and dress the way you want to!

People seriously need to start putting the blame where it belongs, and stop justifying boys/mens actions because of a female.   How is it ok for men to wear tank tops that reveal arms and often are cut low enough to see onto their midsection, but a woman can be slut shamed for doing the exact same thing?   I see Colby walk around without a shirt on and my mind can wander into places that I would be embarrassed if others could read it.   I’m a human being, I’ve made mistakes and there have been SO many occasions from past that I’ve looked at guys and now Colby and have taken things too far in my head and undressed them with my eyes and played out fantasies (K. Sorry TMI) But I do not EVER blame those thoughts on any one of those people. Because it was me.  They have a body, they live every day, they wear what they wear, and my eyes, and my mind continued to look and think.  I had full capacity to stop it, but most often I didn’t.

Now some may argue “Men are visually stimulated” ok yeah I know. But women are too. I don’t care if it’s not to the same degree it happens to both genders but you don’t see women blaming rape or having some naughty thoughts on men do you?   No you don’t.   If I was a dude, I’d be entirely offended that everyone continued to make it out like I was incapable of acting like a decent part of society.  Maybe it’s nice to have an excuse all the time though for being what we like to call these days, an “asshole” or a nasty freaking pig.

Moral of the story, stop sticking your gigantic nose in other peoples lives, stop blaming your poor thoughts and behavior on people that probably wouldn’t want you looking at them anyway.  It’s annoying and it seriously, needs to stop.

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Smelling past memories makes it harder to be a “big kid” aka Adult

I’ve waited anxiously the past 10 days waiting for a box with my belongings from Roanoke.  I’ve checked the mail every day waiting for the Shopper Drug mart slip to show up letting me know I can pick up my box.  The past 4 days I have checked every day and was disappointed when nothing was there. Finally today it came and I was a kid on Christmas, picking the box up and being so excited to open it.   Colby helped me removed the tape and open the folds of the boxes and immediately the smell of fresh cut grass, soap, humidity, my Dad’s shirts in his closet, the smell of the boys bedroom as you pass it, a fishbowl, chili cooking in the kitchen,  my bedroom and how it smelled when the door was always closed. . . the smell of home hit me like a brick and all I wanted to do was shut the box back up and tape the smells inside so I didn’t have to be homesick tonight. . . .so maybe I could open it up later and appreciate it more some other time when I really need those smells. . .  But alas, the excitement of having some more of my things was still slightly present and I smiled big also holding back tears as I pulled out my blue piggy bank, my favorite pair of fall boots, my hershey pillow that was bought for me when I broke my arm and several other articles of clothing that I haven’t seen for almost 3 months.   I held them close to my face and just inhaled deeply through my nose trying to engrain in my memory the smell, because in not too long of time those smells will fade out and they will smell like Canada. They will smell like everything else here. They won’t smell like the south, they won’t smell like my family. They will smell like Colby’s house, and Colby’s things.  It is a really stupid thing to be upset about, but the other day I realized that if I were to go home tomorrow, I would smell different than my parents and their house along with my siblings still living there.  That made me kind of upset. 

Tonight I was looking through the pictures on my iTouch and watched the secret video I took of my Dad telling a mission story about spiders.  It felt good to pause my life and remember the moment that I recorded that.  It was nice to hear everyone laugh and to see my Dad do the laugh that my sister Olyvia also does. 

So, aside from a lot of homesick thoughts tonight after getting my box [I am still waiting for another one hopefully to be here within the next day or two]  Colby and I took another huge milestone and purchased OUR first car on Tuesday!  ImageColby’s Pontiac was about to bite the dust and so we decided that we can really only have a car for “us” this once, because in too short a time we are going to need to buy a car to cart kids around and so why not get something that we can enjoy for the 7 years that it’s just us.  So I made a deal with Colby and I began searching and praying and thinking hard and a miracle happened.  We found a 2005 almost perfect condition Mustang for a steal and were able to buy it!  It’s been crazy driving such a nice car and it’s so weird having people stare at our car for reasons other than it being a clunky ugly car!!  I’ve never bought a car,  the most expensive thing I’ve actually purchased. . . . is maybe an iPod or an iPhone, unless you want to count my rent in Utah for my apartment.    We are both so excited about it and I can’t help but smile every time I see it.  We were really blessed and I know it’s because I did my homework, looked hard and consulted all of my options and prayed about it.  Woo! We are proud Mustang owners! 

Sunday afternoon we went on a double date with one of Colby’s co-workers George and his darling girlfriend Brittni, to the Armstrong fair.  It was really my element and I felt so at home walking around in the chicken and goat pens and as nasty as it sounds,  I slightly enjoyed the nasty smell of the animals because it reminded me of driving past Poage’s farm and it made me happy. Funny I know.  I really enjoyed having the time away from the house and the stress and be able to be around another girl and make a friend.  We watched a Rodeo at the end of the fair and I was pumped because I remember always watching Rodeo’s on T.V at Papa and Ma’s house.  I couldn’t help but wish I could tell Papa all about it.  Because I know he would’ve been excited.    Then around midnight on our drive back to Kelowna we stopped at the Vernon Denny’s.  Aside from the fact that the service was horse “shite” and my food didn’t taste so swell anyway (I got grits at Denny’s and that also made me think of home and how I ate like, 3 year old Grits and Olyvia pointed it out and I couldn’t believe I didn’t catch that and I thought myself sick) anyway the next day I awoke to some serious food poisoning demons and I wanted to rip out my intestines completely. Thank God Colby is so caring. I would’ve died without his compassion.   But that day aside from me needing to walk around like I had a stick in my butt, we went shooting the rifles because hunting season is starting and everyone needed to site their guns.  That was a fun experience. 

SO anyway. Now that everyone is all caught up on my life. I’m going to cuddle with my fiance and talk about Pokemon and maybe tickle the pee out of him. Since that’s one of my favorite night time rituals [I love you Colby] 

I’m off. 

I love you all

xoxo

Madylon 

 

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Feeling pretty is not always on my option list

Feeling pretty is not always on my option list

Maybe it’s the angle. Or the yellow filter that makes me look like I was almost tan. Or maybe I need to locate my glasses. But sometimes, on rare occasion. I feel like I have true, honest to God potential to be beautiful sometimes.
And that’s coming from someone that always looks in the mirror and doesn’t like what she sees.
This is me. Learning to love myself, one baby step at a time.

Sometimes you just need to cry, probably should start building an Ark.

Guess what everybody. Grass is never really green anywhere. It’s just a lie everyone tells you.  It’s not actually green unless it’s fake. . .  ok?  Glad I could clear that up.  I never EVER ever ever ever said that moving [doesn’t even matter where, I could have moved to Florida instead of Canada and my stance stays the same] was going to make everything disappear and make me poop happy rainbows and throw flowers in the sky and run around with fluffy critters constantly singing annoyingly about how “this is love” or “whistle while you work” or any other annoyingly happy disney song.   Pretty much what happened in this move, I handed in all the crappy problems I had in Roanoke and was dished out a double serving of issues in Canada.  Funny, eh? Ironic, eh? Interesting, eh? 

Sometimes it’s good to just cry.  Sometimes I just need to lay flat on my back in my bed with the lights off and just bawl like it’s the end of the world or cry like they have permanently discontinued Dr. Pepper.  Sometimes it makes me feel a lot better. . .well usually.  Today I once again got hit by the sad truck that loves to hit you at top speed.  It started this morning, with a chocolate poptart. Yes Ladies and Gentleman, a Poptart. Naturally the chocolate poptart made me think of my childhood and then it took me back to Roanoke which made me think of my family which made me break down finally at 10pm after holding it in all day and curbing any emotion that I felt was about to explode out of me. 

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Look how young my parents were!
P.S I freakin’ LOVED that dress!. 

Today, or tonight rather, it became more prominent that I was homesick today when I randomly remembered mowing the grass with my Dad in mid-May. We went to Steak ‘n’ Shake after and I looked really ratchet and was covered in grass and probably smelled awful.   But it made me miss my Dad. It made me miss a few years ago when I would hear him come home from work and he’d be talking on the phone way too loud at around midnight when I was trying to sleep [This was way back when I went to bed at a decent hour].  It made me miss “Monster feet” and playing our own version of tag outside in the dark with my siblings when I was really young.  It made me miss tuna quickie and believing that outside of breakfast for dinner that was the only thing my Dad could cook.  I really miss my family tonight.  I really miss my parents. 

Whenever I get sad I feel like I need something else to make things feel more like home. But I never know what it is, so it pretty much is like running into a brick wall over and over again and wondering why I can’t get through.  I really would like to have friends.  I think one of the hardest things about transitioning to a new place, is realizing that for everyone back home that I am replaceable.  My “Best Friends” have made “new” best friends and I’m just hanging out in Canada talking to my cat.  I watch fish all day and hold mini funerals when they die [Random thought, our “Male” guppy apparently has female parts cause surprise we have like 12 baby fish now]  Anyway, issue is that I totally don’t know how to make friends I was never in a social situation that I wasn’t put in a place to just talk to people and converse, that’s number one, and number two, I’m scared as well, because I keep getting screwed over and always being the better, more loyal friend and I honestly am sick of that crap, it’s exhausting man. 

So I’m sitting here. at 1am. . . . Luna is sprawled out at my feet hogging my bed and slightly snoring. . . .and I’m just suffering from some sort of insomnia tonight because no matter what I do my mind won’t shut up and relax and save being a weepy uncomfortable mess until tomorrow when I have more energy to do so.  I want to cuddle with Colby. But alas, I can’t. He’s passed out asleep by now I’m sure anyway. . .   I want Papa John’s pizza smothered in that garlic sauce and a massive brownie. I want to eat my feelings right now cause currently I’m starving but am choosing not to eat until tomorrow cause I have special K waiting for me.  Ugh, such is the life of someone who can’t eat like a pig without it directly impacting their arse. 

I think I’m going to lay down again and try and knock myself out.  I have a Birthday Cake to make tomorrow for Kyle [Colby’s cousin, which is my favorite cousin of his] and I also have my “other boyfriend” little 2 year old Liam as well for a few hours tomorrow afternoon.   So thanks for pit stopping and taking a look inside my head when I’m really tired and missing my humidity stricken room and old beaten up car.  ‘Murica. 

I’m off to bed. Here’s to hoping that tomorrow brings loads of smiles and happy thoughts and feelings.  I sure need it. 

xoxo 

Madylon 

P.S Mom, Dad. I really love you. 

Life really can be a fairy tale

Sometimes life really gives you a fairy tale.  Even if it only lasts a short while.

Being in love is a fairy tale.  It’s amazing the happiness and constant joy you feel just, being in love.  It’s so cliche but I love being in love.  I love being in love with my best friend. I love being in love with someone that makes me laugh. I love being in love with someone that completely understands me and loves me anyway even though I am really weird and emotional and sensitive.  I think every female goes through the phase of thinking they will be the old Cat lady that never finds someone to spend their life with.  I’m eternally grateful that I was blessed with finding the love of my life at a young age.  Let’s be honest, I was really young.

We’re coming up on our One year anniversary and that’s really crazy!  Even though a year in the long run is really short. I felt like I’ve known Colby for an eternity.   We’ve almost been talking for 2 years and that’s crazy too! I’m excited to be spending the rest of my life with him.  I can’t imagine it with anyone else. 

I’m really happy. Colby makes me the happiest person.!

On really exciting news, one of Colby’s coworkers has hired me as a nanny for their adorable 2 year old little boy.  I’m really excited about it! The extra income for Colby and I is going to be really helpful and just being able to have purpose and do something is really nice and a relief.

I’ve started getting serious about wedding planning.  We’ve set our Kelowna date, and Colby and I are going to meet with a photographer this coming week. This is becoming more and more real and I’m so stoked!  We’re having great luck with being thrifty and having help from family and friends.  I’m excited to get my dress out here and try it on again! I’m just really excited to be getting married to Colby.  I can’t say it enough!

My life is like a fairy tale.  Things perfectly worked out where I found the love of my life, 3,000 miles away by accident on the internet.  Somehow we were the perfect match.  We both had the drive and energy to make the long distance work, I moved to Canada, we’re in love. It’s just crazy. Whoever would like to fund our hollywood movie is more than welcome. Because it’s the cutest story.

Anyway, I’m off to watch an episode of sesame street with little Liam :]

Cheers

xoxo

Madylon

Rough Transition

I knew this wasn’t going to be easy.  But sometimes during the day I feel like I underestimated the heartache and stress that moving to Canada would bring.  I expected the sadness and the missing familiarity of my home and my family.  But I kind of expected it to have somewhat worn of in the slightest by now.  . . . . sadly, not so much.  Then again I don’t know what I was expecting, I haven’t even been here two weeks yet.  Idunno…..

My days are mostly spent alone, minus the company of my kitten Luna and the dogs, Sage and Callie.  I clean and clean and maybe go outside and walk around the neighborhood until I realize I am being bitten like mad by mosquitoes that are the size of oreo cookies.  Then I clean some more. Maybe mess around on Sims. Stalk someones facebook for the 4th time that day. . . I have Re-read everything I already know about immigrating, just so I don’t forget. . . and then I make dinner and Colby comes home and I can just be happy and content until I have to say goodnight and close the door to my room some 4 hours after he gets home from work. . . . and then I brush and brush and brush and brush myyyy hair wonderin’ when will my life begin! . . . . . just kidding, but seriously whoever can catch that reference can have an oreo cookie :)  But that’s about what I do. .. or have done every day (minus Colby’s day off, those days have been much more entertaining) 

You don’t appreciate work-flow and a paycheck as much until it is no longer even an option.  I honestly would love to be working right now, despite how lazy I love being. Not working freaking sucks.  Being lazy gets old after about 72 hours. You realize, this permanent vacation sucks and that’s just that.  *Le sigh*.  I haven’t had the emotional stability to find a hobby and have a routine of doing something I genuinely enjoy every day. Colby takes the car to work, and even if he had me drive him to work giving me the car, it’s not like I know where anything is and I get really anxiety stricken being in public without him.  I do sincerely miss my job at Chuck-e-cheese. I miss my co-workers and my bosses and I just miss hating going to work every day cause I didn’t appreciate being able to work. I miss that. 

I should probably have just bought stock in Tim Hortons since every other craving I have is for their coffee or Tim Bits.   I need to curb that addiction asap. 

Whenever we go out into public I am awkwardly fascinated with every human being my eyes can find.  It’s really stupid and an immature thought process, but everyone here [to my knowledge] is Canadian. They just live their lives here every day, nbd. Living in a different country, [not that Canada is really that different from the states anyway . . . ] just makes you realize there is just so many people everywhere outside of your home country bubble.   The culture is different here.  People talk different, express themselves differently, act differently, live . . . differently than what I am used to in Virginia, and from what I’ve seen in the little amount of the United States, I don’t know if that makes me sound ignorant or not, but I just never thought about life in a different country. . . maybe that’s just because I never in a million years thought that I would ever be an immigrant.  It’s been quite a teeny culture shock. Which I wasn’t exactly expecting so.  . . . surprise to me! It’s been interesting to overhear opinions about the united states from people living outside of the country. It has opened my eyes to how the USA is viewed and how on often occasion we make ourselves look like massive idiots.

There has been a lot of changes all at once, and it’s hard for me to get a grip sometimes.  It’s A LOT of stress crammed into one little setting and anyone that knows me well, knows I crack so bad under stress and anxiety.  Getting engaged, moving, adjusting to living in a completely different environment [Side note to that statement, my nose has been SO dry since I got into Canada and it drives me insane. I’ve never in my life experienced a bloody nose before, I was oddly proud of that and now Canada has to go and ruin it! grr]  I have  felt like an outsider and completely different from everyone else around me.  I listen to the way I talk, the expressions and words I use and not that being “me” is bad at all but I just feel extremely out of place.  I don’t like feeling like a zoo animal, that everyone needs to come and look at me and observe me. . .  I don’t like feeling the pressure to just be super happy and not have sad feelings of being in Canada now.  It’s hard, and I anticipate it’s not going to get any better soon. 

But, despite the ache and sorrow that I do experience daily, I am happy.  Being able to see Colby every day is indescribable and I can’t begin to put into words the joy I feel when he walks into the door after work.  Smelling him, hugging him, kissing him, feeling his presence is just so amazing and I appreciate the work he is putting in to making me as comfortable as possible here in Kelowna, it is by no means an easy task putting up with stressed out Madylon, but he does it so well and is such a positive influence in my life. I just am so in love with him. 

As per huge request from my blog followers, a picture of my gorgeous engagement ring

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Colby did a fantastic job at picking it out, and also did a great job at finding resources and approval from the only other person that knows me as well if not slightly more, my cousin Allyson.  It’s absolutely gorgeous and I stare at it for quite some time every day marveling in how beautiful and special it is. 

Anyway, it’s almost 2am here in Kelowna and I am awfully tired and ready to pass out.  I haven’t been sleeping well the past few days [I’m positive it’s just stress related] but I’m going to try actual force to go to sleep now. 

Hope everyone is doing fantastic and enjoying their summer. Cause I am! 

 

xoxo

Madylon