In this case, the truth didn’t set me free

It’s past midnight now. . . .but I’m stuck awake with thoughts racing through my head not being kind enough to allow me to sleep. 

Majority of the time, my anger actually is a cover up for the fact that my feelings are so seriously hurt that I can barely cope.  Sometimes I feel so betrayed and alone that all I want to do is cry.  

I toyed with messaging a few people tonight on Facebook and just asking “why?”  why suddenly am I no longer of any importance to you? Why is my worth and my life no longer important to you? Why?  . . . . but I chickened out because I don’t want someone to get more pissed at me or push me away further than what I thought was already the farthest possible. 

I already know the answer to those questions though, because it’s the common factor in each relationship that I’ve lost.  It’s been my decision to find my own religious path and be comfortable and confident in what I believe. 

It really hurts me that people I trusted and still love with all of my heart. .. that I would honestly do anything for. . .have total disregard or  zero respect for me anymore.  It hurts to see them continue to be involved and care for other people, but not me.  Not me because I’m different.  

I’ve gotten used to not being like everyone else. I cry a bit more, I’m more sensitive, I am needy, I am loyal when I no longer should be. I have high expectations, I love even though I get hurt because I don’t get it back.  I’m me.  I’m sick of being defined by a religious title. I’m sick of never being good enough. I wasn’t good enough as a mormon. . . and I’m still not good enough not being one. 

I am the EXACT same person I was before. I might have a second set of holes in my ears and I might say damn when I stub my toe now. But I still am the person I was before.  I’m still dramatic, I’m still overly obnoxious . . . I’m still me. 

My jealousy is ridiculous whenever I see anyone that no longer has anything to do with me, getting excited and commenting/liking whatever it is someone else is doing that I seriously just did. Milestones in my life aren’t as exciting. – perfect example.  Me getting married.  Me getting married wasn’t as exciting or cool or acceptable cause, well Colby wasn’t a mormon, we didn’t get married in the LDS temple and I wore a strapless dress.  *gasp* OK so the happiness and excitement to join your life with someone and take a huge commitment is less cool, impressive or adorable because of those things?  I don’t understand. 

I hate needing approval and love from people that clearly are incapable of loving someone who is different or chose a different path. 

I love Christ, I seriously cannot stand Christians.   Because they are hypocrites.  Love everybody expect the people I don’t like, duh!   Everyone acts like I’ve done something terrible and I’m such a sinner. . . . when they have no right to cast a stone at me cause their slate isn’t clean! 

 

I just want my relationships back. It’s not fair that being honest ends up leaving you with the short end of the stick. . . along with a lot of sleepless nights beating yourself up because, like normal, I can’t ever be good enough. 

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One thought on “In this case, the truth didn’t set me free

  1. Madylon,

    I rarely read your posts on social networks, I admit this fully. It is not because I believe you are not worth while, it is just because we have sadly grown apart. I live in Ohio, and you live who knows where in Canada. However, the tags on this post listed as “ex-mormon”, “post-mormon”, and other faith based internet directories caught my eye and I had to read the rest. Now, before you stop reading and think I am trying to convert you and bear my testimony on the truth of “the church”, I have to admit I would consider myself an “ex-mormon”, despite my records being listed in the church as a member. I had plenty of cognitive dissonance on whether or not going on a mission was right for me. I would oftentimes think of the concept of fate versus free will, and believe foolishly that if I did not “obey” god to serve on my mission, I would be punished. Conversely, I would reflect plenty on how not going on a mission could be part of how I truly am and there is not “god” that necessarily is forcing me or punish me for not going. Without going into too much detail, I know the power that religion can affect your mind. Like your decision to not get married in the temple, my decision to not serve a mission is an example of a decision where it can cause your mind to go into dark places because you did not do what you were always told. I could go on as to why I believe certain things but it is almost 1 AM and I’m not sure if this blog post I am constructing has a certain meaningful direction. Just know that you’re a good enough human being to me. Christ’s principles teach all that you said, and to not be a hypocrite. Without being too critical of your mother, just know that she probably does love you even though she can be incredibly harsh I am sure. My parents told me no matter what I believe or choose, they will always love and support me, and I hope your family would do the same. Ending this now before I ramble incoherently much longer.

    -Aaron, A-Dizzle, Whatever you guys called me

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